It's a process...

It is. Honestly and truly.

Everything. Everything is a process.

(And sometimes that's frustrating.)

Pre-writing has begun. Some social media spreading of wings has begun.

But it all takes time. The amount of time that makes you wish you'd started earlier, worked longer hours, maybe clone yourself and double time it. But I don't really have a timeline for something like this. It's not a work deadline or a class schedule. There's no "Effort * Time = Success."

Much like everything else (despite what we're told) it is a highly subjective and personal equation.

Some people 'rise and grind' themselves to death never seeing the success they want.

Others trip one day and fall into the perfect situation.

Doesn't mean that waiting for results doesn't try my patience. Whether I worked hard on it or it just happened easily/naturally. The waiting is the killer.

Don't get me wrong I don't sit down to do something and think to myself 'okay so by tomorrow this will be done and amazing and the world will know about it.' But for whatever reason, I find myself midway through said process, even the early stages of it, wondering why it's taking so long.

Some of that's just me. Struggling to figure out new things. Trying to learn. Balancing self doubt. Trying to shrug off distractions and sometimes failing. Having difficulty being patient with results. Literally been two weeks since I soft launched into this new collection of tasks. Early days for self promotion, regular posting, sharing and such. It honestly sometimes gets in the way of ENJOYING the process if I can't stop thinking about time and measures of success that can't be applied yet.

But it's not just working on art or writing. It's not just a game you're making.

Self-improvement is a process. Growth is a (never ending) process.

I recall marveling in the past at how quickly people seemed to settle into what they would be doing for the next 20ish years and deciding who they were as soon as they were old enough to drink legally (21 here. I'm sure it's different elsewhere). I think maybe I understand it a bit more now.

I still don't agree that I'm fully cooked. That I can't change, learn, grow indefinitely. I don't think that decision is ever taken away from you. I think it just gets harder to make.

Especially if things have been rough. People just get tired. *I* just get tired. You want things to be set so you don't have to labor over so many decisions. You want to put some burdens down in that regard and just wait for the next wave to hit.

I did that for a while and it kind of sucked. I look back at years and years of doing pointless work just to survive and shudder sometimes at how unhappy/numb it made me.

Nothing more daunting than having decided what weight/size/dimension of boulder you're going to push up a hill for eternity.

So for me the choice became risking letting that rock roll away. Pick another rock. A different hill. If you're going to die on it maybe it should be a nice hill. One with like a view. Places to stop on the way to the summit.

Is the grass always greener? Nope. Is it the path of least resistance? not really. But what is truly easier? Resigning yourself to something you hate forever? Or choosing to do something you may love for as long as you can?

I can almost guarantee you the first one is easier. Just keep getting up. Just keep going to work. Just keep the cycle going and take what brief respites you can.

So maybe this new thing I'm doing is harder than what I've done in the past. Maybe it takes more fortitude and patience. More raw effort and resilience.

More creative problem solving.

Maybe I need to get stronger and work smarter.

But like most things. It's a process.